ខ្ញុំគិតថា Death Love ជារឿងរ៉ាវមួយដែលអាចឆ្លុះបញ្ចាំងពីជីវិតស្នេហា

ដែលលំបាកលំបិនក្នុងសង្គមខ្មែរយើងនាសម័យកាលយុវវ័យរបស់ខ្ញុំ

ក្នុងពេលអីឡូវទំនាក់ទំនងប្រុសស្រីបានទំលំទូលាយជាងមុន

វាជាការចាប់ផ្តើមដ៍ល្អមួយ

Death Love​ will give some kind of disturbing,

Please read it with precausion of tears. 

Death Love
 

Die by the sword of an enemy there's nothing of tragic.
But it's sad to die by the blind arm,
The unexpected or the death penalty decided by the others.

Lu Xun, Variety

Under the sun, crossed by the river Mekong and full of the beautiful girls, Phnom Penh is a paradise on the earth. When I left school, I passed by Phsa Thmey. I found some kinds of music: Rock, Blues, Jazz and a lot of songs from China and Thailand. When I arrived at school, I sang them for my classmates. One of my favorites was Wicked Game of Chris Isaak. It was in '92, I studied at Sisowath high school. I went very often to the cinema, watched the Chinese films. I didn't think about anything. I didn't think that I could become a murder one day. Every night we went drinking to Sharaton, a famous bar in the city. We were drunk every night and we finished by sleeping with the Vietnamese girls. I don't speak Vietnamese but if we just need to make love we don't have to say any word, some gestures are enough to understand each other. And in the morning, in the class I must stand up until the course finished because I couldn't answer to the question of my teacher. She was a young teacher, pretty and soft sometimes. I didn't know why she liked to ask me. She taught the literature. I didn't read her course. But I read Romeo and Juliet, Ambassador, Absurd, and many more. She wanted me to follow her idea but I thought I found my way in modern literature. I didn't respect any rule. The law is made for someone else not for me. I didnt really need to learn. Learning is seems already made since I was born. The only one thing that I respect until now is the people. I love the people. I think they are all so lovely, including my teacher. And the Mekong is my favorite place. When I sat down along the riverbank, I saw a lot of little fishing ships. I watched the sunset and I heard the worker signing when they were taking the bath in the river. When I came back home, down the streets there were always the people, the Cyclos, the Yamahas, the Toyotas and so many kinds of motorcycle. I liked watching the people moving. They smiled at each other and sometime I smiled at them. They seem wondered when the stranger smiled at them. I have only mother, she is not married. But she has a child and that child is me. I am nobody's child but my mother's child. I never ask her about my father. I don't want to know him. My mother was an opera signer in Sihanouk regime but now she is a dancing teacher at Phnom Penh University of Beauty and Art. After dinner, sometimes I heard her signing the old songs. It sounded so good to me as The Yesterday Once More. Sometime I stayed home with her watching the Thai film on the television. She loves The Fatal Couple, a Thai famous film about the war and the Japanese soldiers. I always dreamed one day I would write the script and make some music. I finished my study at Phnom Penh University in literature. And in '99, The Angkor Apsara, my first roman was edited with success. It was just a story about the pass in 7th Javaraman. I passed 3 years for my first roman. The first edition of 10000 copies was sold in 3 months. My roman was the best seller and was noted in the history. How The Angkor Apsara was wrote? At that time I had a lot of ideas for writing but I didn't know where to begin. I always wanted to write about love story. One night I dreamed about The Princess Indradevi. She said she was the most intelligent woman in this empire and she introduced me her palace. I fell in love with the Princess, with the Angkor Empire. I was studying in 3rd year at Phnom Penh University. When I woke up I told myself I would write a story about her, about that palace (Angkor Thom). I spoke that project with the minister of cultural. My mother introduced me to him. He gave me a lot of ideas and so many information and documents. Anyway I passed a lot time to find the important events for the story and I passed one year in Siem Reap. I became an archaeologist as my character in the story. In that time, I was happy and full of energy. It was the good time. I didn't think one day I would become a murder, a victim of love like Romeo. I never talk about love in high school. I mean the love between a boy and a girl. It could happen during my study. How can I pass my life without love? There was no love in the high school. It could not happen. We could talk with the girl students but we never talk about love. I loved a girl in my class. She was so beautiful, the most beautiful girl in school. But I never tell her about my feeling that I reserved for her. I finished by sleeping with the Vietnamese girls. What was wrong? We don't have right to have love without accord from our parents. The girls couldn’t go out in the night. The girls couldn’t speak with the boys if it was not necessary. There was no connection. Some girl got married with the man that she didn't know anything about him. And they called it a happy wedding but for me I called it a bad couple. And in my story I showed a couple that lived together, made love without getting married. I tried to keep on walking alone in that way until the roman was edited. I had reason. I was not alone. Some of my friends in high school kept their secret until they finished their study. I don't know exactly what they have done in the dark before they got married. But for me I passed my life in high school without love. I passed my days by searching the music, reading the roman and going to the cinema. Until I met Kesor I couldn’t let her go. With her soft eyes, her soft hairs and her honest love, I cant forget her. Now she has gone, she took everything from me. I hate writing. I hate everything in this world. I have nothing in my head. I have nothing to say. Everyday I go to the pagoda, listened to the prayer and sermon. After that I sit down in frond of Kesor's cemetery until the sun goes down. I hope one day she wake up and talk to me. Since long time that she sleep in that cemetery. Now it's 5th or 6th April the New Year's days approach. How many girls are seduced in New Year's days? Last year I knew a girl in Khmer New Year's days. Mum asked me to accompany her to the pagoda in her hometown. I didn't go to listen the sermon. With a glass of sugar cane, I sat down, smoked and watched they playing the traditional game. A girl arrived and sat down beside me. I smiled at her. She was surprise like everyone when a stranger smiles at him. I continued watching the other group. They were so happy with their smile. They talked to each other. Everybody had something to say, the girls like the boys, the olds men like the olds women. It is a good time to find someone. In New Year's days, the girls can go out in the night. The girls can dance under the moonlight. It is a good time for the lovers to see each other, to talk about love. We were invited to play with them. The group men lose so often because of me. I didn't play well maybe because my eyes were busy with her eyes. They need to talk with each other like everyone. Sometimes the eyes talk better that the mouth. Before leaving she looked at me for the last time. I was sure that I would meet her again. And that day arrived. It was the first day that my 2nd roman was distributed in the market. In my 2nd roman, I wrote what I wanted to say when I was in high school. I wrote about the girl that I loved in high school. I imagined one day I would meet her again but she was already married. It was a story about the unfaithfulness. The girl that I met in reality is not the old friend of mine but the girl that I saw in New Year's days. I saw her watching my roman. She was surprise when she saw me. I smiled like the first time at the pagoda. That time she replied with the smile. I said:

-         Buy it! You will enjoy it.

-         Sure, I will do! (She replied to me). I read his first roman Angkor Apsara. He is a good writer, a professional. I feel so sorry. I want to know him but he never showed his face on the newspaper or on the television. They called him a secret writer.

-         Well, so you will never know him because nobody knows him. (I said).

Her name is Kesor, a student in 4th year of Business Faculty. Bryan Adams ask me:

-         Have you ever really loved a woman?

When I listen this song I know love is something hard to explain. Since I met her at the bookstall, our relation is born. The week later, I went to the same place and in the same time. She asked me why I was there. I replied I was waiting for her. We knew what we needed and I was sure that love could happen. We never talk about love, but in her eyes I could see it. I knew what it means. I asked her:

-         Where do you want to go?

We couldn’t talk face to face. She stood near me but we didn't look at each other.

-         I don't know! (She replied back).

I thought about the place for our first rendezvous since a week. What about the cinema? I was afraid it was not possible. What about the dinner? I was afraid she could not have dinner with the stranger and it would too late for her to come back home. What about the silence place? I was afraid she rejected my proposition. Finally we went to the national library. Between the book boards, we could talk. We looked at the books in the boards but in fact we talked to each other all the time. She said:

-         I read LIFE IS NOT A PRESENT of the secret writer. He’s still trying to show such a fool love. But I like his way. He is a cool man.

-         Do you always want to know him? (I asked her).

She shook her head for the answer. It was hard for me to tell her the true. How can I tell her? Until one day I decided to show my face on the television. The TV5 invited me to an interview. It was a bad dream for me. During the show, some questions sounded very clumsy. We repeated so many times because I didn't answer the questions. They changed the animator and the questions. The new one, he understood what I wanted to say. He asked me:

-         Why in your first roman you wrote about the Angkor Empire? And now you wrote only about love?

-         I had a project since long time. (I replied to him). The important thing for everyone is root. We cant live or you can say live in civilization without knowing our root. Like someone who exists but he does not know where he comes from, who are his parents and by what he was made. My roman is the answer that I found. Looking the past is not a crime but we just can watch by the window. We can’t touch or change anything. But I hope by seeing the past, we can change the world tomorrow. The present is the effect of the pass. The future is the effect of the present. It's enough to make the good cause to have the good effect. And in my second roman, I want to say only one thing. Love comes and goes like a bird. You love the bird but you can’t keep him in the cage. So let him go! Maybe one day he will come back and want to stay with you for a while or forever until he die. I think all we can do is try to understand the reality and don't hurt each other. We can talk about a beautiful enemy, or a wonderful misery. Just accept the reality! It's all I want to say.

The animator continued to ask me:

-         Why you write the roman, I means what is your pleasure in writing?

-         You know nothing compare to the imagination. The god created this world, but it's not a present. And I see it's not a wonderful world. Living is continuing to be hurt. I can see it everywhere I go. So I created another world where I can smile, I can love and I can do everything. Sometimes I need to cry, sometimes I want to smile and I hope you too, you can do. It's not something hard to do. I think when I write the story I want to please the girls first. Because for them that I live for.

-         Why you are here? Before you refused to all interviews. But now you accept our invitation. I means for what reason? (The animator asked me the last question).

-         I do it for someone.

I called Kesor when the show was diffused. She said:

-         Why don't you tell me the true?

Maybe she didn't understand, telling the truth is only one thing that I try not to do. I am a lie man. For me telling the true is seems something hard to do. Anyway she knew I did it for her. We became the lovers. We shouldn't do that but we did it. We only listened to ours hearts. We forgot the sermon at pagoda and the customs that we must respect without needing to know what it cost. We just wanted to live as a man could be. We saw each other 2 or 3 times in a week. I couldn't go out as normally as before. Everybody knew me since I showed ma face on the television. Kesor were very careful about that. I hated hiding because I have nothing to hide. But Kesor always found and gave me the reasons. When we came to the Monivong café, we didn't sat down at the same table. When we went to the cinema, we didn't enter together but one after one. She said:

-         It's not a good time.

That's why we decided to choose my house to see each other. I wrote some poems for her, after reading she smiled. Sometimes she came for listening some music, reading my notes for the third roman or we talked about something. She made me feel different from another girls. I swear that I am not a sage man. I knew a lot of girls. The girls worked at Karaoke shop, the girls worked at the bars or at the restaurants and the signers that I lose count. But with Kesor I became a quiet man. She always kept the distance from me. She came like that and all I could do was accept what she could give to me. I didn't know how to ask her more. Until one day, she arrived during the rain. Her clothes were wet. She changed the clothe with my kerchief and she dried her shirt with an iron. I was writing at the table. She asked me:

-         Where is the story now?

-         Now a boy and a girl are under the rain together.

-         You're crazy!

It was raining outside. I wanted to make love with her. I approached to her and caressed her shoulder. She trembled like a bird under the rain. I got on my knees and continued to caress her calves. She looked at me and pushed my shoulder with her two hands. I made her stand up and kissed her lips. The kerchief rolled off her body. We smelled something burning. But it was too late her shirt was burned by iron. Kesor laughed and took quickly the kerchief dressed her body. I said:

-         I will go buy the new one!

-         But the rain didn't stop. (She replied).

I sat down in the bed and didn't know what to do. Kesor went reading my notes at the table. I went out, smoked and watched the rain falling down. A moment later, she called me:

-         Sak, come in continue your story!

I came in. When she saw me smoking, she said:

-         I told you, try to forget about it. Think about me when you want to smoke!

She took the cigarette from me. We looked at each other and we began again. We forgot the sermon at pagoda and the customs that we must respect without needing to know what it cost. We made love for the first time during the rain falling down outside. Kesor cried when she saw the blood. She said:

-         What have I done? Sak, I am afraid. I am so afraid, embrace me!

The rain stopped and took us from the paradise. She cried like a baby. I embraced her in my arms and asked her:

-         Why don't you tell me?

She didn't answer my question, she asked me:

-         Do you like it?

-         With your tears I hate it.

-         I know, I am ready to do it but I don't know why I cry. I don't want to be like them. Tell me Sak that we are not like them.

I took her hand and said:

-         Kesor, we shouldn't do it, you know.

She slept beside me and looked in my eyes seems trying to find something. She said:

-         I know we shouldn't do it. But I want to give it to you. When you showed your face on the television. I knew you did it for me. I was very happy. And today I want to make you happy as you did to me. I am sorry I don't know how to do it.

She made me sick with her tears. In her silence she talked to me. I understood what did it mean. But don't ask me to say about it. I understand what she wanted to say that day but I could see only a piece of her love. I never believe that in this world theres some one loves me so much. If I believed her and could see her whole love, she wouldn't die. I am blind, because I am blind. She gave me everything, the thousands roses. It is always a good time when we fall in love. But we don't know how long it can last. One day when we were making love, someone knocked the door. When I opened the door, a man entered quickly in my room.

-         Papa! (Kesor shouted with her tremble voice).

He trembled, watched her daughter in my bed.

-         Dress and come back with me! (He ordered to Kesor).

Kesor dressed her body with the sheet and took her clothe to the bathroom. He looked at me like a tiger stares the sheep. I had nothing to say. I understood how much he hated me. I thought about the sermon at the pagoda and the costume that we must respect without needing to know what it cost. He didn't say anything but I prefer he say something. If he said something maybe I could know how much he hated me exactly. While he threw a tantrum to me I had a feeling he already killed me with his eyes. I didn't respect the people. I destroyed all his hopes. I took all his wills. I drive him to despair. Before leaving Kesor looked at me like the first time at the pagoda. But that time I was sure that I wouldn't meet her again. The dreamer, wake up now! You are just a stupid guy. Love, what does it mean? Roman, what is that used for? A writer? No you are just a robber. You stole his life by sleeping with his daughter. You used your beautiful words to make a perfect crime. You dreamed about love but you live like a dog. When they had gone, I didn't want to do anything. I slept until Mum arrived from work. She asked me why I was sleeping. I told her I was sick. I waited for Kesor for a week but she disappeared. I tried to phone her but her phone wasn't active. I went to the Business Faculty to find her address. When I got it I went straight to her house. An old woman opened the door. She starred at me seems understand something. I asked her if I could see Kesor. She said:

-         No!

I asked her if I could talk to her father. She said:

-         No!

-         Tell him that I want to speak with him. (I asked her).

She closed the door without answer. I stayed calm and waited outside. I already prepared some words. I understood that all the fathers love their daughter much more than their own eyes. A moment later Kesor's father arrived home. When he saw me, his eyes full of anger. In the car I saw a woman that I supposed she was Kesor's mother. She told me sometimes about her mother. She felt sorry for her mother who was not respected by his father. His father loved her much more than he loved his wife. The old woman invited me to come in the house. In the room there was only he and I. I thought I could make a conversation with him. But when we began that was something different. He asked me:

-         What do you want?

-         I understand how do you feel and I am so sorry. I come here to tell you that I am ready to do everything to repair my mistake.

He laughed and said:

-         It's not like in your story. I don't need help. I think it's my mistake that my daughter go to sleep with you. She loves your story. She loves your words. She loves the world that you created not I. For me, I live in the real world. I don't need your foolish things. I wont do like everyone. Do you think that I will beg you please marry my daughter? Stop dreaming and welcome to the reality. I should kill you but I want to show you that you cant escape from the reality. I make the business. I try to understand people. I know what they want. Your roman is only useful for the people who are lazy and have no courage to live in the real world. Let me tell you something.

He picked the cards form his bag and gave its to me. I took a look at its. They were the wedding cards. He would marry his daughter to someone else that I didn't care no matter who. I already thought that it could happen. It's something classic. I said:

-         I don't think love is a business. I want to marry her. I promise I will take care of her.

-         Now you ask me this? (He shouted at me). But you already got what you want. You already stole her from me.

I tried to make him calm:

-         I am sorry for that. I just wait until she finishes her study. You cant do that! Let her finish her study first.

-         She's my daughter not yours. I don't think you love her much more than I. It's enough for me what she has done. What such a fool love! Jute gives the embarrassment to the parents and the family. It's all because of you. Is that your beautiful love? Some kind of madness! I think you should better go now!

-         I need to talk to Kesor.

-         No, she will marry to the one that I choose for her. You! Go out of my house.

I stayed calm and tried to find the words to say. He looked at me with the anger eyes. I said:

-         I know! You love your daughter. But the way you do to her will destroy her life and push her into hell. And I think it is not what you want.

-         How can you say that? That's because of you I must to do it. That's all I can do! I don't need your help. I thank you but I am sorry. You can’t do anything. Leave us alone! Go continue your story! Your madness!

-         No, let me see her!

He laughed and looked at me for long time. I repeated:

-         Let me see her!

Finally he said:

-         If you think you can do something. I give you 5 minutes. You can talk to her. If she follows you, you win. If not, don't let me see your face again and go out of her life.

He went out and left me alone in the room. I saw his diploma of business and so many books in the board. I saw a photo of Kesor on his desk. Kesor came in and we embrace each other. She said:

-         I know, I know you will come to see me. Sak, I miss you! I miss you!

I asked her to let me explain her:

-         Listen to me Kesor! I don't have much time. If you believe me and want to live with me, just follow me now. Everything will be all right but now you should and you must follow me.

-         Why?

-         He will marry you to someone else

She didn't understand:

-         What did you say Sak?

I gave her the wedding cards. She saw its and said:

-         No, he can’t do that to me I must speak to him.

I asked her to stay and tried to do what I could do in those 5 minutes. I explained her:

-         Listen to me Kesor. It's the question of face. He can’t accept anything from me. He's a businessman. He knows nothing about love. Juste follow me please!

-         No, I can’t leave. I don't go anywhere. I will talk to him.

The time went out. Her father went in. Kesor talked to him:

-         Papa, why you do that to me. I need to marry Sak. I don't marry anyone else!

-         If you go with him. Don't call me Papa!

-         Why don't you understand? I love you Papa and I love him too. I love everyone.

She embraces his father and cried like a baby. I knew I couldn't do anything. I left them and went out. Kesor celled me and said:

-         Sak, I can’t go with you now. Do you understand that?

I smiled at her and said:

-         I know! I understand! Please take care yourself!

I didn't look at her anymore. I turned away from her. I left her behind my back. Her tears couldn't change anything. She didn't understand that sometime we must make a choice. We get something by losing something else. There's always a price to pay. I thought I did all I could do. I told myself:

-         Forget about it. The girls are always the girls. You can’t do anything. When love grown up, it's not the story of two people anymore.

The story should be finished. It's the end of the world. Do you agree with me that the story should be finished? For me and maybe for you too the story should be finished, but not for Kesor. She was much stronger than she looked. For her, love is not just a game but it's her whole life. I didn't understand about that. I didn't believe in this world there is someone loves me so. Without her I could live and go to the paradise with another girls. But she, she had only me. She gave everything to me and to only me not to someone else. I didn't understand about that. I took back my habitudes. I went to the places I knew before. I made love with no matter whom. I didn't care that she cried for me every night and day. I am blind, cause I am blind. I should better die than being alive to tell you this story. At that weekend Mum went to her hometown. I couldn't stay home alone. I went drinking to The Sharaton bar. I came home with a girl that I knew in the bar. It was Saturday night. With the loud music and the whirlwind of madness we made love. It was my last breach of law in my life. In the morning the door was knocked. I didn't believe my eyes. I saw Kesor stood starring at me seems didn't understand what she saw. She wasn’t like Kesor that I have known before. She was pale. She waited until the girl has gone and she asked me:

-         Did you sleep with her, Sak?

Oh my god! How can I explain about this because in reality I am a dog. I shook my head for the answer like she did to me at the national library. She was so tired. She went sat down at the table. I tried to explain her:

-         Listen to me Kesor, it's not concerned that I sleep with her or not. But I am

She cut my words:

-         But for me, it's concerned. I cant let someone else touch me.

Her voice was in an undertone. She continued:

-         I am yours and only yours. But look at you now! You touched her without thinking about me. You laughed and you made love with another girls without thinking of me. I tried to keep my honest love for you. I said to myself that I am yours until I die. And you, you must be mine, all mine until I die. I tried to make Dad understand that I cant live without being your wife. But when I arrive here, you hurt me like the first time that we made love. What do you want me to say?

She cried like a baby. Her tears made me feel so sorry. I got up and hurried to dress. She stood up and said:

-         I go home. I am very tired.

-         Wait let me take you back!

She went out and went down by the stair. I hurried to put on my shirt. I button up as her step that she went down by the stair. At my third button I didn't hear her step anymore. I thought she was waiting for me. When I went out I saw her sleeping down near the stair. I saw the blood flowing from her head. There was blood as the first time we made love but that time she didn't cry like a baby. She died. She was too weak to move because she didn't eat anything for a few days. She didn't accept the wedding from her father. She wanted to marry me. She hurt herself for keeping her honest love for me. I should better die than being alive to tell you this story. I thought about the sermon at the pagoda and the costume that we must respect without needing to know what it cost. I remember one day she asked me:

-         Sak, which color do you want me to dress for the wedding's day?

We put the white wedding dress on her before dropped her in the casket. Now it's 5th or 6th April, the new year's days approach. How many girls are seduced in New Year's days? I really don't want to know but time cant take her away from me. I remember her from my heart. She is still alive in my memory. I hate writing. Before, long time ago, I believed I could write about love story. In fact I didn't understand about it at all. Even though I pass my whole life to write the story, I am incapable to show a piece of her love. She died because of me, because I am a blind man. I should better die than being alive to tell you this story.

End

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